ACCEPTING ONLINE CLIENTS in MARYLAND & VIRGINIA

If I were to count the times pornography use comes up in my work as marriage counselor, I’d be stumped because it is such a great number!  Many of my clients are Christian.  Yet they are not immune to this problem!   What some want to think of as “hurting no one,” greatly hurts individuals and relationships.

My point today is that virtually all the people who’ve had this issue tell me that they were exposed to it early.  In childhood or pre-teen years, boys (especially) come across images that suck them into wanting more.  Now that children and most teens have a “Smartphone” with Internet, the likelihood of encountering such images is high.  Further, it isn’t the Playboy type images of decades ago.  Though Playboy has enticed many, I have been told that today’s images are much more powerful and sick, in most cases.  

If you feel alone in setting limits in this area, consider getting with some other parents who could share your concern.  Brainstorm a specific limit on when and where your children will have access to the phones and other Internet devices.  As a group of parents, begin the new limits at the same time in the various households.  Act with confidence.

I find that MANY parents are fearful that their youth will “hit the ceiling” if limits are set.  Think.  Who pays for the Internet service?  Whose home is it?  

I do know that some families do not allow Internet access except in a very limited, structured way.  Excellent.  Yet even at that, we can assume that most children will somehow be exposed to the Internet outside your home. 

If you are unsure about a place that your children/teens ask to visit, stop and consider how confident you are of boundaries on what is viewed.  As parent, you have the prerogative to say “no” to visiting such places.  Further, you do not owe anyone an explanation.  It can be enough to say that you don’t know the people well.   Sadly, even people in the same home can be unaware of what enters via electronics.

Of great importance in this endeavor is acting clearly, confidently, and calmly.  Be willing to listen to objections to your boundaries, if it is stated respectfully.  But do not get entangled in an argument.  One helpful idea is to ask your children to write out their objections for you.  In the big picture, no matter what the children want, it is the parents who have years more experience in living, and are expected to set limits.  

True or false?  The more words we use, the more persuasive we will be.  Sounds logical; isn’t more of something better?  Sometimes.  But in this case, the above statement is false!  In fact, our continuing to talk can worsen things.  It can even bring co-workers to duck under their desks as they see us approach.

A while ago a loved one pointed something out that I didn’t want to hear.  They told me I usually had to be RIGHT!  What?  The good listener I thought I was—didn’t translate out to always letting go of a matter when it’d help.  Might you have that habit, perhaps without thinking about it?  Further, by going on and on, are we implying that the listener is lacking in knowledge or understanding? Actually they may in fact be lacking, but are we responsible for changing someone’s mind?

Here is a way to heighten peace in our lives:  After we have stated our opinion and, say, added a few words of clarification, ...STOP TALKING.  Can be hard to do but not impossible.  For the next few days, step “outside yourself “ and watch.   What seems to be your pattern?  Might it be that we keep on with more and more words?  If so, begin catching yourself before we spout off more.  Sometimes we will forget, but we should be getting better and better over time.

It could be that our timing is making things even worse.  Correcting someone right after they mess up usually is taken as a put-down.  In contrast, if we wait until a similar situation presents itself, the listener is more likely to be open to ideas. Propose a specific action that could improve things, and ask the listener for help in that area.  For example, your loved one may leave the thermostat on a setting overnight that runs up a utility cost.  In the morning, you could lambast them, throwing in  your criticism of their not caring about it.  Wait.  Not good timing.  That evening, make sure you have the undivided attention of the listener, and calmly request the thermostat be set at the more economical setting.  Ask if they will do that.  Sometimes, though, people never give attention to something we deem important.  In that case, I suggest trying something else, such as a timer to automatically set temp for night time.

With children, there are many opportunities for parents to nag and bark at children.  Instead, consider if your request is important; it may well be.  Then, tell the child once.  After that, let a consequence do the teaching.  This should be proportional to the importance of the task, and be clear ahead of time.

A major decision is being made by many parents, in terms of what college or university will be suitable for children looking ahead.  Should parents leave the decision up to the child?  Only within limits.  Because our culture is dripping with decadence, some choices would influence the child to essentially come home a different person.  This person can be anti-Christian, jaded, and distant!

What about money, you say?  It is important but should not override any moral concerns about the institution.

I find that that many overlook or are unacquainted with financial helps from the institution itself, and/or elsewhere.  Speak up in finding out what might be offered.  Your child should share some of search for help but being young, their knowledge in that area is likely limited.  High school counselors can give you some info, if you have a connection there.  In addition, tap knowledge of any friends who have already discovered sources of help for college expenses.

Some youth begin classes at a community college.   Here is what Christian parents have done, including some of my relatives: Especially in an online setting, some coursework, by its nature, is low-risk in terms of amoral influence.  This could include math and science courses.  Be involved in checking so often as to  your student’s assignments and coursework.  Do not ask this; you are parent and it is your responsibility.

What if your child is adamant about a certain school?  Look for yourself at the vision of the school, the course offerings, and , graduates/studentsthemselves.  If there is doubt on your part, you are not obligated to consider the school.  If your child insists, politely let them know that you will not assist financially.  What?  Yes, it is really that important; the graduate who beomes a stranger—is common.  Don’t enable that.  It is nearly impossible for someone in late teens to understand fully what can change him or her.

In setting up college visits, remain positive and encouraging with your child.  But cross off the list any institutions that are doubtful morally.  Here is my own example:  one of my loved ones attended a state university some time ago.  When I visited his dorm room, in the middle of the pod was a giant tower of beer cans.  Thankfully, someone had already encouraged him to go to an orthodox Catholic university and he hadn’t succumbed to the culture at his present school.  He transferred, loved it, met his future wife there, and all is good.